True love or not true love
This started as a comment on World Class New Orleans, to Mr. Clio's excellent post A Toxic Culture for the Heart (what I had to go through to get Facebook out of those links is a'whole'nother post). Writing in reference to South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's infidelity scandal, one of his points is that we glorify "following our heart" and then punish those who do. I think often about the emotionally unhealthy nature of much of the music I listened to growing up, and its profound effects on me, especially in the context of the rest of popular and family cultures. Hours of "I'm Your Puppet" (just the best example, one of too many) over and over accompanied by melodramatic heart-bursting pining can't lead to anything good. It cost me a fortune, in more ways than one, to escape this way of being.
Perhaps I've over-corrected, driven by a love for my children that requires me to at least try to put them first as the best way of insuring my own happiness; and maybe I'm lying to myself by insisting that the notion of "true love" as a goal or priority is self-indulgent drivel, or more importantly, at least at my age, icky.
When I see someone like Sanford doing this kind of damage to those they claim to love and citing "falling in love" as an excuse, it's repulsive. They put their own grandiose gratification above the well-being of their families. Gross and immature, this seems worse to me than Bill Clinton or even Larry Craig just wanting to get a little on the side. I'm not advocating detached sexual dalliances, but somehow that seems more honest. There are lots of valid reasons to leave a marriage. Even the Catholic Church provides a way of escaping impossible union, and I think it's totally okay for someone who's fought the good fight, tried everything they could to make it work and come to the realization that it can't be done because no one can do it alone, to go and seek happiness with dignity; but, please, lose the drama.
Mr. Clio's description of cultural glorification of "searching for true love" as "bait-and-switch" is exactly right. What works in a novel or a movie becomes destructive in real life. We've been taught wrong. What we should be seeking is a quieter, more day to day, way of living love. It's just not as much fun to watch.
What I find most telling about the whole Sanford mess is that the people closest to him hung his ass out to dry. His family and staff just let him have it. His Lieutenant Governor called attention to his absence. His communications people had no safety net in place, no damage control deployed in his behalf. His wife, his former campaign manager, knew exactly what she was doing when she told the world she didn't have a clue where he'd gone. They must really hate this guy.
I'm glad you turned your great comment into a post. You really flesh out
and add a lot to what I was trying to get at. Thanks! I and many others
have the scars and still-open wounds caused by the kind of thinking and
living you and I are trying to describe.
Thanks for the inspiration. You helped me put into words disjointed
thoughts that had been gnawing at me for too long.
I think he got "love" and "lust" mixed up.
Exactly. Maybe that's what Mr. Clio was saying, the mistake so many of us
make, what popular culture (and some family cultures, certainly mine) teach
us that's so wrong, our confusion. I think a whole lot of folks go all the
way through life seeking lust and thinking it's love.
I wonder, did he really fall out of love with his wife? A person can love
more than one person at once, but a life partnership is based on more than
love. I wonder if he'll dearly regret this later?
SophMom, you're right about being taught wrong about love. Almost 30 years
ago when my marriage broke up, I had to learn what love was for me in the
contemporary world we live in. Getting a grip on what jealousy and envy
and controlling behavior said about me. When it was over, I came up with a
modus operandi, which was: TO TRULY LOVE SOMEONE IS TO ALLOW THEM TO BE WHO
AND WHAT THEY ARE, EVEN IF IT MEANT NOT HAVING THEM IN MY LIFE!
Paula, if he really intends to work on his marriage as he claims, I'm quite
sure he'll regret calling his mistress his "soulmate" on national
television. Just sayin'.
When my two extended relationships broke up I was still emotionally in love
with both women. in case #i I left because I couldn't stand the stress of
the relationship. In case #2 she left because I wouldn't marry her and
raise more kids.
The comments about love and lust got me thinking about my relationships
over the years. It seems we all journey through relationships learning
about maturity and honesty and expectations. Weren't those bad example
songs written by young people parroting the same feelings we were feeling?
"Some day my prince will come." It takes some of us longer than others to
reach that level of maturity to know that our friends and partners aren't
perfect and neither are we. Are we honest enough to communicate our
expectations and mature enough to walk away if the other person can't meet
them or are we easily manipulated into portraying ourselves as what the
other person wants or needs?